I'm sitting here feeling alone. I feel more alone than usual. Kevin has been working awhile in Seattle and I'm used to *that* alone. But, tonight feels especially empty. It's the last night in my home in TN and the dogs aren't even here. It just doesn't feel right to not be petting them and letting them snuggle me when I feel sad. It doesn't seem like a fair farewell to not have them here. This was the first house they had with a backyard where they could run after a ball and actually get tired out. We've moved to a lot of places over the years each with its own fun memories and experiences, but we always moved on fine. This is different. This one is so much more personal. Our house became a real home. It is so cliche, but so true. I can't explain it any other way. The house isn't a shell of wood and brick to me, it is a living memory and I'm thankful to it for being ours.
The absolute best thing to ever happen to me happened here. When I think of Franklin TN I think of Nathaniel. This city and this house will always just hold that special non replaceable thing... Picking out colors and painting his nursery. Bringing him home to meet the dogs at like midnight (we were crazy and unrested obviously since we decided to do that). Having my sis visit me and help me while I recovered and meeting him for the first time. There is no feeling like handing over your heart for your sister to hold. My sister sat on my boring bed with me for days on end keeping me company as I healed. Rocking Nate to sleep in our master where he spent 8ish months sleeping with us. Five of us every night sleeping peacefully (well sort of peacefully haha). His first roll over in the den. His first real crawling all over upstairs. His first steps (or should I say run) around our downstairs hallway and kitchen area. His nautical first birthday. His pumpkin party second birthday. Christmas and Easter mornings. Visits from Grandma and Grandpa Hahm - he recalls every park and restaurant they went to with him. Watching him help them get coffee in the morning in our kitchen. Playing playdoh tea party under the dining room table. Running with Mocha in the backyard after walks and chasing him away from his water table (Nate needs some work in the sharing dept) Moving rocks from our neighbors flower bed to the top of the electrical boxes in our yard.
Our daily walks with the dogs around the neighborhood (either the loop around the big tree or the loop by the preschool) The turning on and off of light switches and fans. Watching the Mickey Mouse Club on the floor in the great room. Playing with his trains and food set up in the loft. Filled, half filled, out of air balloons creeping out from everywhere every room... sometimes scaring me because I think its a person. This boy loves his balloons. The baths in our master tub (he never took one in any other bathroom). Mocha drinking out of the tub faucet (he loves that water for some reason). The turning off and on of the lamp in the Africa room and his phase of taking out and smelling every candle in the closet in that room. His jumpy jumpy thing that hung in the craft room doorway while he swung around mostly on it. Kona sleeping on the ottoman in front of the windows in the loft keeping watch over the neighborhood. Looking over at Nate singing and bouncing in his monkey bouncy chair as I showered. That thing was a lifesaver. Oh so so many visualizations I get as I walk through the house.
Watching Mocha and Kona fight over the sunny spots in the house every day. I know exactly which blinds to raise so they can get the most warmth. One of the greatest joys and adrenaline rushes is to run up the stairs and go get Nate when he wakes up from his nap or overnight. Kevin and I have raced many times to see who gets to go hug him first. We peek around the corner and run in. The quiet times reading stories in his room by lamplight before bedtime (sometimes it isn't so quiet). Usually the same story over and over for nights on end. Laying with him for a *couple minutes* before leaving his room. I've laid on that floor so much over the last couple of years. It is comforting and feels like *home* I'll miss 'US' here and all that has happened. I know great memories are coming, but I know that once we leave here the everyday will start to fade and its that everyday that has made living here so special. This house has been something else and I will miss her.
